South Park 17×08 A Song of Ass and Fire Recap

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South Park Studios/Comedy Central

Continuing from last week, Kenny resents he is not a real princess while he readies his army and Cartman sends Butters to ask George R. R. Martin what happens when the dragons show up.

The episode begins with a very Game of Thrones opening. A female voice narrates: “Once a common lady of the dark army but denied my right to be called princess by birth, I betrayed my kind. And now, I have chosen my side, that which I believe is best for all, for it has a dual shock controller with a speaker and a touch pad interface.”

Princess-Kenny goes on: “My parents will fight on Black Friday as well. For what, I do not know.”

Cartman is training his side to attack their opponents’ weaknesses. Scott has diabetes, so he hits him in the face. Kyle tries to reason with Cartman that the PS4 has gotten good reviews and more kids want to switch sides since Kenny did.

Cartman: “You know why Kenny’s doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess and I wouldn’t let him. I said, ‘You can be a chick, Kenny, but there’s only one ruler and that’s me.'”

Cartman calls Microsoft to get them to one-up Sony’s Brack Friday Bunduru. Cartman: “Eric Cartman. I’m a wizard and a king. … A wizard king, yes. … No, I’m not king of wizards. I’m a king that happens to be a wizard.”

Two Microsoft dudes rush in to tell their boss that the battle of consoles is happening in South Park on Black Friday and that one wizard king is willing to fight his side to the death to ensure XBox One wins. The boss tells them they’re ridiculous, that it’s gaming consoles and not life or death.

On the news, it’s reported that South Park mall security guard Miles “Happy” Davis was beaten to death with a huge candy cane after telling a woman she couldn’t line up early for Black Friday. Inside the mall, Happy’s photo is added to the Black Friday Wall of Honor for those who have fallen in the line of Black Friday mall duty.

Randy, with the fake scar over his eye, says, “Happy was a good man, too good to die in such a brutal but festive manner.” The guards get word the sale will now be 90% off, in honor of Happy. They panic.

Randy goes out to tell the hoard of approaching shoppers they can’t be on mall property until Thanksgiving.

Shopper, on the snow covered grass just beyond the parking lot: “We’re not on mall property.”
Randy: “Well, you’re about to be.”
Shopper: “Well, what if we just walk really, really slow?” They slow to zombie speed.
Randy: “You’re going to have to walk slower than that. You’ve got a while.”
Other shopper: “We can walk really slow. Look.” He walks really slow, like he’s creeping.
Randy: “Smart asses.”

Cartman tells Butters that Kenny thinks he’s Daenerys and the only way to stop him is to follow Game of Thrones exactly. He asks Butters what happens after the dragons show up.

Butters: “Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way. They keep promising dragons but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face!”

Cartman gives Butters two bus tickets to New Mexico. He tells him to take Scott, find George R.R. Martin and find out what happens when the dragons show up. I’m assuming it would be easier to read one of the books but it probably wouldn’t be faster.

At Microsoft, bossman Steve tells someone on the phone, “For the last time, we don’t have any dragons to send them. If some people want to choose Playstations, it’s their choice.”

Bill Gates shows up and has a lackey stab Steve in the chest from behind. Gates explains there can only be one winner and he can’t have Scott ruin everything.

Butters and Scott arrive at George R.R. Martin’s house and press the intercom. The voice explains George doesn’t let fans in. Butters: “We’re not fans! We don’t like it! And I’m pretty pissed off if you want to know the truth!” They get buzzed in and George asks if they’re pissed about the red wedding. Butters says he wants to know when the dragons show up.

George starts to explain and his description is full of floppy wieners. Butters tells him to skip that part. Scott gets sick because he hasn’t eaten and George invites them in. He says he’ll order a pizza and tell them what happens next.

In the garden, Kyle and Cartman discuss Stan. Cartman suggests Kyle get Stan grounded and that this whole thing has been so just the two of them can get XBoxes. The old man in the window who owns the garden yells, “Don’t believe it! He’s said that to a bunch of people.” He and Cartman threaten to call the cops on each other.

The on the scene reporter shows up in the lead anchors’ bedroom, where they are having sex. He says Bill Gates promises them bloodier news if they choose XBox’s side. The reporter then threatens to expose them if they don’t go along.

Cut to: “It’s the morning news with Tom and Tammy Thompson, Colorado’s top rated brother-sister news team.” I gasped. Out loud.

On air, Bill Gates announces he’s giving the kids battle axes and guns to fight through the crowds. But only one gun each, for safety’s sake.

Cartman and his army arrive at Kenny’s house to meet with him, Stan and their army. Stan translates for Kenny.

Cartman: “Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick every once in awhile but you are never going to be a real princess.”
Kyle, translating: “The princess calls you a ball licking lesbian.”
Cartman: “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Kyle steps up and tells Stan, “What you started is way out of control.” Stan: “What I started? How dare you!” Kyle: “All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really want to just game with Craig the rest of your life?” Stan: “I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account.” Genius. My favorite line of the night. Stan continues, “We will get our Playstations tomorrow and you buttholes will have nothing.”

Back at George R. R. Martin’s house, he excitedly explains all of the wieners about to happen and demonstrates how one character will shake his all around. Butters is pissed after three hours there are still no dragons. Scott is about to pass out. “Pizzas are on their way. They’re gonna be amazing,” he promises. He then says Jon Snow will face off against Jaime Lannister’s enormous penis.

Bill Gates walks with Cartman in the garden. He tells Cartman this whole thing is really about the two of them winning. The man in the window yells, “Haha! How does it feel? Now who’s walking who through the betrayal garden?”

Over at Sony, the Sony CEO is having sex with the reporter. He convinces the CEO to give the Playstation kids a weapon.

At his house, George conducts a chorus of men singing about a wiener party with all kinds of wieners to the tune of the Game of Thrones theme. Butters flips out and says they have to be at the head of the line for Black Friday. George says he can help with that.

The Sony CEO presents Kenny with a gift, declaring him to be a real princess, Princess Kenny. This cuts to a Princess Kenny anime opening credits sequence, complete with a song and it’s freaking awesome.

Randy gets word of a shocking new development to Black Friday. On the news, the reporter announces Black Friday has been moved to December 6th by George R. R. Martin, “who also suggested, ‘Fuck it. Let’s push Thanksgiving to December 3rd.'” This is so everyone is prepared for Black Friday. Also, the discounts are now 96% off for the first hundred people.

The shoppers, who were still slowly creeping, now revolt. The reporter says, “This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face painting. No doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die.”

Holy crap. These past two episodes have been quite the epic undertaking. I, for one, would totally watch the Princess Kenny show and buy the Wiener Party song. What did you think? What was your favorite part?

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