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Sam and Dean go undercover as born again virgins to find out what happened to four missing members of a chastity support group.

Spoilers below.

We begin with a nice waitress being stalked after hours. She trips, drops her keys under her car and hides there. The shadowy figure lifts up one end of the car and turns into blue energy that swoops under and grabs her. We then see her lowered into a hole. Poor girl. It’s a shame you had to be in the first few minutes.

At the bunker, Dean finds Sam asleep and wakes him by dropping a bowl onto the table. Sam confides, “I feel like my battery can’t recharge.” Dean’s concern is interrupted by a call from our old friend Sheriff Jody Mills (Kim Rhodes). Nothing good happens when she calls but then again, if you have to call the Winchesters, you’re already knee deep in nothing good.

Jody tells them four people have gone missing and one, our waitress, was seen being taken while the suspect lifted an SUV off of her. Once in South Dakota, they greet Jody with hugs. Jody informs them the missing were all a part of the Good Faith church.

Sam guesses it could be angels, which pricks up Jody’s ears. Dean: “Don’t get your pants on fire. They suck.” They talk to Slim, the only witness and the homeless man our waitress, Honor, gave food to right before her abduction. Dean thanks him for his help and gives him some cash. Slim’s information about blue light rules out angels.

Sam and Dean meet Bonnie at the Good Faith church. She’s as bright and cheery as a Disney princess and looks like she could break into song at any minute. Bonnie tells the boys they all were a part of a chastity group called Abstinence Purifies Us.

Sam volunteers Dean and he join the group and Bonnie hands them a purity pledge, making them commit to keeping their virginities. Dean: “I don’t think we can really un-ring that bell. You know what I mean?” She suggests they ask God’s forgiveness, renew their chastity vow and they, too, can be born again virgins.

Dean: “So you just hit the virginity do-over button and all’s good with the man upstairs?” Bonnie says it’s a chance at a clean slate and they both sign their pledges. In case you ever wondered, both guys are right-handed.

Meanwhile, Honor, with her non-effective in this case but still awesome as a flashlight keychain taser, wanders through the underground dungeon. Something goes bump in the night near her and she begs to be left alone.

Sam and Dean sit in on the purity support group. The leader asks why Sam is there and he says it hasn’t ended well with every girl he’s had sex with. Dean laughs and says, “He ain’t lyin’.” It’s Dean’s turn next and he says sex is good but it comes with the bad, like “adios. Always the adios.”

Dean takes it a step further with this gem of a monologue: “You know, when you get down to it, what’s the big deal, right? I mean, sure, there’s the touching and the feeling all of each other. My hands everywhere, tracing every inch of her body. The two of us moving together, pressing and pulling and grinding. Then you hit that sweet spot and everything just builds and builds and builds until it all just–” Dean makes an explosion sound.

The women cross their legs during this, one crumpling up her poem in her hand. Sam clears his throat and Dean wraps it up, saying sex was too sticky and he’s a virgin again. Bonnie shakes her head, disapprovingly.

When the meeting breaks up, Sam says, “Wee bit of an over-share, Dean?” Dean replies with a smile, “I was purifying.” Bonnie tells Sam that Honor is her favorite, which sends poem girl, Tammy, into a tizzy. She insists Bonnie doesn’t even know what kind of a girl Honor is. Tammy unloads on Sam about how Honor brings Oreos and doesn’t even bake for the bake sale. How dare she. Scandalous!

Dean is sure he knows Suzy, the leader of the group, from somewhere but she says they’ve never met. Suzy also says she counsels group members individually and offers Dean some books on the subject. Dean doesn’t want her going home by herself with a kidnapper out and about and says he’ll go with her, despite her objections that she’ll be fine.

Sam and Jody compare notes and find out all of the missing broke their chastity vows shortly before disappearing. Sam says that rules out dragons. Jody: “I’m sorry, dragons? Those are a thing?” Sam: “Yeah. Too many things are things.” It’s a brave new world this side of season six, Jody. Welcome to it.

At Suzy’s apartment, she takes off her oversized hoodie, revealing a tight tank top. Dean takes this moment to light one of her candles before discovering she’s crying about her missing friends. Suzy asks Dean to pray with her and he agrees, sitting while she prays.

Sam tries to call Dean, who ignores his calls. Jody confides she found church after Bobby’s death and the mess with Crowley.

Suzy stacks purity books into Dean’s waiting hands. While she uses the bathroom, Dean answers a call from Sam and discovers porn DVDs in one of Suzy’s drawers. Porn she starred in. Interesting Dean recognizes her from that, since she’s not Asian but I suppose he does have to branch out to other busty beauties now and then. Dean hangs up on Sam in a hurry after hearing it’s not dragons.

When Suzy returns, Dean not-so-smoothly hides the porn behind him and acts awkward. She calls him out on his nervousness and he says he isn’t, using her porn name, Carmelita. Suzy says she’s not that girl anymore and she was horrible. Dean tells her, “Listen, Suzy, I’ve seen a lot of awful things, stuff of nightmares, okay? But you, you’re the good dreams.” That’s a hell of a line. That might be my favorite of Dean’s lines to the ladies.

Dean: “The things you can do, the scene with the tacos. Made me want to join a mariachi band just to be near you.”
Suzy: “Well, you are now.”
Dean: “I am, aren’t I?”
Suzy: “You’re not like the other guys in town, are you? You’re kind of a, a bad boy.”
Dean: “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask me that in Spanish?”
Suzy: “Eres un chico malo?”
Dean: “Sí.”

They make out as mariachi music plays.

Honor, still in her own little horror movie, trips over someone’s body. She finds a lantern and discovers the body is Pastor Fred, who wakes up. Honor then finds Neil and Barb. They hide when they hear a noise and the blue light blinds them. Pastor Fred is gone but not forgotten as he screams from above.

Sam and Jody go out to find Dean as he’s been missing for over an hour, no doubt breaking his vow.

Dean and Suzy put their clothes back on and kiss. Dean opens the door and both are knocked down by the blue light.

Back in the horror movie, Barb claws at the brick wall, dying of thirst. Uh, sweetheart? The way out through brick isn’t going to be via your fingernails. Barb licks the blood off her hand and it’s gross. The three hear a noise and find Suzy and Dean have been dropped into the dungeon. Above, the culprit buries the manhole with a board and dirt.

Jody comes across information on Vesta, Roman goddess of the hearth on the internet. Six virgins were sacrificed to her every year, she explains. “The virgins had to stay celibate for thirty years. If they broke their vows, they were buried alive.”

Meanwhile, with the buried alive crew, Dean tries to find a way out but there isn’t one. He pulls out his backup phone from his bat-pocket and calls Sam. The call breaks up but Sam can tell Dean is near a train.

Neil wants to sacrifice Honor and her sprained ankle since the blue light, Vesta, takes the weakest. Dean defends Honor and threatens to give Neil to the blue light. He then tells Neil to shut up. Honor smiles a little to herself. That’s right, darling. Dean’s a badass.

Sam and Jody narrow down where Dean and the de-virgined re-virgins could be and find they need oak stained in virgin blood to kill Vesta. Sam asks Tammy for her blood but she goes off the rails, accusing him of being both pagan and worshipping the devil. She threatens to call the cops and Jody clocks her, saying, “I am the cops.” Jody dabs Tammy’s nose with a napkin and they’re off.

Sam and Jody search a barn and Sam finds the covered up hole to the born again virgin dungeon. Sam works on opening the cover when he’s knocked out. Jody gets captured next by Bonnie, no big surprise there, and her fancy blue-glowing E.T. finger.

Jody calls VestaBonnie pathetic for burying the re-virgins herself. Vesta turns off her blue death light and says people used to shower her with virgins before “that hippie from Bethlehem.” And you would have gotten away with it if not for that meddling Jesus, right? You’re a bad Disney princess, Bonnie.

Dean asks if anyone has a screwdriver and Honor finds medical scissors in the first aid kit. He unscrews a metal piece in the cover.

Vesta, on your usual, run of the mill, Bond villain speech, straps Jody to a table. The blood on the table seems to be situated where the baby making parts are on people but instead, Vesta says she eats livers, as they’re the only part of the body that still tries to purify in the end. Um, okay. Whatever floats your boat, I suppose.

Jody tries to stab Vesta with the bloody oak but Vesta intercepts. Sam attacks Vesta but she plunges the stick into Jody’s chest. That can’t be good. Jody pulls it out while Vesta touches Sam with her blue finger. Disgusted, she tells him his liver is bad. “Dear boy, you’re all duct tape and safety pins inside. How are you alive?” she asks. Shh, Vesta. You need to say spoiler alert before you tell Sam something like that.

Sam is stunned and Jody takes that moment to stab Vesta with the stick. How she’s not massively bleeding out from the sucking chest wound, I don’t know. Jody’s just special, I guess. At least, Bobby always thought so. Aw.

Dean busts out of born again virgin hell and asks Sam and Jody, “What did I miss?”

Later, Jody, with her arm in a sling, says goodbye to Sam and Dean. “I’d tell you boys to stay out of trouble but what’s the point?” she says. She leaves and Sam asks Dean if there’s something wrong with him. Sam: “Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m never gonna actually be all right.” Dean says they’ll figure it out.

Sam blames himself and Dean breaks. He starts to tell Sam it’s not him when Zeke turns on and warns Dean not to say anything as Sam isn’t ready yet. Zeke promises it won’t be much longer until Sam is healed. I don’t know, man. Duct tape and safety pins doesn’t translate to almost all better.

Sam blinks back through and Dean tells him, “If there’s something wrong, it’s not your fault. We’ll deal with it.” Sam walks away and Dean, troubled, slightly shakes his head. The episode ends but we were seriously ten seconds away from Dean’s one man tear making an appearance.

Well, the Vesta wind-up fell pretty flat at the end but I’m glad Jody didn’t fall victim to the Supernatural female character death curse. The best part for me was the whole scene with Dean fangirling for Carmelita. Hey, Supernatural writers. Put Suzy on a back burner somewhere. I’ve no objections to Dean revisiting her next time he’s in town.

What did you think? What was your favorite part? Are you nervous about Sam still being totally broken inside?

Next week, it’s the two words every Supernatural fan dreads: midseason finale. From the looks of it, everyone is in trouble. Cas is in chains, angels are killing each other and Zeke inside Sam works some bad mojo on Dean. A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you, too, writers.